Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
