i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
