Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Randomize
