I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
