I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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