youre lurking in front of me
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
