I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize