i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
