omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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