The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
