I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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