you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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