tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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