Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
