I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
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