She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Randomize
