I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
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