I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
