She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
