his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
