she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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