Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
