Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
