overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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