I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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