You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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