are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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