A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Randomize
