and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
There are leaves in my underwear?
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