I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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