You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
