did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
