if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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