Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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