Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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