I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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