Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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