people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
