If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
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