your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
