I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
