I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
