Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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