Well apparently he's into motor boating.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
