I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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