if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
