I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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