dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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