Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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