Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
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