My Higher Power is John Stamos
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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