Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Randomize
