Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Randomize
