Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
