before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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