And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
