i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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