do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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