My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
