Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Randomize
