i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize