bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
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