dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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