your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
