Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
