hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
We are all done wearing pants today
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