You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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